• 6:24pm Tuesday

The Maple is just not going to turn red this year

I have never seen this tree not turn bright red. It is not even brilliant gold... I am not sure what happened to it. But anyway, it is going to be uneventful to look at.

It was a busy day today. I just got in and I just had another bowel movement since the loose ones of this morning. This one was better, not loose but still on the sticky side. It took several wipes to clear. I am on my 4th soylent since midnight and 3rd banana. Outside of 1 1/2 oz of popcorn I had at noontime, that is all I had to eat today. It looked to be a lot more material coming out than went in. I am now eating a small bowl of fritos corn chips after resting for about an hour on the recliner. It is 8:00pm and Colleen just got back in from her Tie Chi class she takes every Tuesday from 6:30 to 7:30pm. She is going to feed the head (cat) and then we are going to do the tub routine.

8:47pm All freshened up, teeth brushed and I feel great. Colleen is in the other office chair and we have our nightly shows on. I want to talk about bowel and urine flows and how they have changed over the course of my life growing up, when drinking, third spacing and recovery and now. I don't know much about my infant diaper times except that I know my mother does not like fecal matter at all. She don't even like her own, she says she does not even look at it. Smells are very offensive to her too. I know before disposable diapers, everyone had to deal with cloth, and that meant dipping it in the toilet to get the bigger part of bowel movements out of the diaper before washing it to use again. I can remember getting that job as a young child. I was born the oldest of 7 children born in 9 years. I got a lot duties at a young age that was not so much that hard to do, but hard on me to do because of the way it was told to me to do.

I remember my mother telling me about trying to potty train me to do bowel moments. I just wouldn't let go I guess. She said she can remember feeling sorry for me because I would have a deep ring on my ass from sitting on the potty for so long. I don't know what made her sit me on the potty, I may have been showing signs of "holding it". Holding it was something I did right up until I was a teenager. I can remember doing it in boy scouts and even one time when the family went camping and my sister Holly brought a friend that I was interested in. I would go around with my underwear quite full layered crap. I would just keep holding it over and over, tightening my cheeks. The fecal matter would get out into the underwear and I would wear them like that. I would carry around a stink with me. I remember I did it on a camping trip in the boy scouts. We had to use a dug out latrine and I did not want to so I really let it build up in my pants. Finally one of the scout leaders took me aside and very tactfully suggested to me how nice it would be to get cleaned up and put on some fresh clothing. My father knew I did it and he would laugh at me for it. He thought a lot of things like that were funny.

I can remember coming home from grade school and having skid marks in my underwear. My mother would ask me "What, did the birds get in there?" I think I had trouble using foreign toilets or maybe it just started with the "the big toilet" altogether. I can remember back in boot camp there was no doors in the stalls to the toilets. There was this one guy who use to put his right let all the way to the back of the toilet apparently from a time when he was younger and it kept him from falling in. He still did it in his late teens/early 20's. I am guessing I must have started holding my bowel movements during small potty training. I don't have any memories of going to the big toilet from the potty.

I am not recalling exactly when I stopped the anal retention, but another problem came about after I started daily drinking from March of '84 on. I don't remember it right away, but as the regular drinking went on, I would have problems with accidental loose fecal discharges. This was mostly in my later years of drinking, especially when I would drink around the clock to one degree or another. I can remember going to the store to get beer and having a sudden urge to go. I would have to come to a stop and hold my cheeks together because my anus just could not keep it back. I would release the anus and hold it with my cheeks. I had to get undressed and leave quite a number of underwear behind in store bathrooms. I would also get into the habit of keeping a wad of toilet paper tucked in to my anus to keep what I could from getting on my underwear. The worse accident I had was a time I wanted to go visit by train an old Navy friend in Poplar Bluff, MO. I thought there was still smoking cars then and I wanted to drink and smoke tobacco the whole way like I did to NM after I was homeless in Key West for a month in 2001. It ended up to be no smoking by the MO trip, and I had to stay in my coach seat. I had mixed up enough vodka and water bottle units to last me but I drank too much on the way down and while departing for a smoke break, I nearly fell and got hurt and they told me to stay in my seat. I was not manic like the trip to NM, so the alcohol would take me down. During that period of time, 2007 years, I was having trouble with bed wetting. I had to wear adult diapers to bed and have pads down to catch the overflow that would occur. I was wearing a diaper on the trip to MO in case I slept.

I was in MO for about a week. I drank beer all the time. Not a lot, but continuously. My friend Bruce allowed me space to do it. We have the kind of relationship we could not contact each other for years, be together, then no contact again. Anyway, for the trip back to NY I put together a case of vodka and water bottles so I could drink all the way home. The same workers that had me on the trip down warned me no to drink because I almost got hurt on the trip down. So I didn't. When I got to Chicago to switch trains, I went outside the station to the street to smoke. After I got done, I was walking back in the station and all of a sudden I had a huge loose bowel movement I could not hold back and it went into my diaper I was wearing and filled my diaper from side to side. I was thinking "How am I going to get this cleaned up for the rest of the trip of 24 hours." I was wheeling my bag around with me mostly full of bottles and some fresh diapers. I had to somehow get my shorts off, scoop all the crap together and transport it to the garbage -all in a public rest room. I was able to find a stall and I kept my bag outside while I tried to do the switch. I had shorts on and I was hoping to be able to use them again. I had to get everything off over my sneakers and I remember I could not raise my left foot off the floor while sitting for some reason, but I was able to do it after a while. I used the commercial type toilet paper to clean my ass cheeks best I could and got a fresh diaper on. I reused the shorts again which had got some liquid on them and carried an odor. All and all I felt a lot better but did not smell the best close up.

When it came time to get my seat on the last train I would have to take to get me back to NY, I got seated next to this younger woman. I knew I was smelling. I tried to make small talk about her Ipod but she was not interested and kept to herself. When the night came, I fell asleep and I can remember going into this make out sleepy thing in which I was caressing her with my right arm. It seemed to be mutual for a while, but when I woke up, she was gone and I never seen her the rest of the trip. I was concerned about having another bowel movement on the way home. I did not eat or drink anything because I did not think I could change in the small bathrooms they have on the trains. I remember towards the last leg of the trip I was getting feelings like I might have to go and I was afraid I would not make it to a bathroom in time. I did have to go a little and with a short stop-and-hold-it break to the bathroom, I did go a little. Towards the end of the trip I decided to get a can of Mountain Dew and a bag of Doritoes. I finished the trip with about 6 bottles of the vodka/water mix I kept in the refrigerator until I drank them on the 1st trip we made to the Wal-Mart in Clifton Park which became our grocery store for some period of time. We liked the larger selection over the Price Chopper we had been shopping at near our home in North Troy. I ended up having a peeing accident in the Walmart in Clifton Park (CP) some time later after I had surgery on my right foot about 2012.

I have had my experiences with different things that have happen with peeing accidents and things I did on purpose to do with peeing.

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