• Tuesday 12:47am 293.4

Yesterday was a big day for change

I came to peace with my marriage yesterday. It just came to me yesterday morning, "I am not compatible with Colleen." I have not mentioned it here but the last few weeks I have been getting feelings of extreme anger towards Colleen. So much so I want to beat her at times. That is something I have to seriously take a look at because I have not felt like beating someone else since I was a kid and then it was towards one of my siblings. I have been wanting Colleen to be more "with it" these past weeks and when she isn't, it is a let down. That is one thing, but to put down what I do or not support it in different ways is another. Rather than get into all the mechanics of it all, I will say here what I said to her in a letter and card I gave her yesterday. I just said as simply as I could that "I wanted to climb mountains and go over waterfalls" and her life was just too safe for her to be there with me. We are moving in different directions. She says she is fine the way she is, she don't need to change anything and I say I am all about change, it continuously is happening to me. I am constantly on the cutting edge of personal growth. Helen Keller once wrote,"Life is either a grand adventure or nothing." Colleen is content with the safety of the nothing life. She enjoys the sameness of the everyday dull routine of slow death. She don't take risks, or so she thinks she don't. I say "If your not moving with the changes of life you are dying from the influence of them." So go ahead and stay safe, it is a deadly illusion.

So Colleen took the news well, she wants to move forward with it ASAP because she thinks I will be wanting to go out and be with other woman and she said she don't want to be living with me if I am with another woman. I told her in the letter today that I now realize that Colleen is not my ideal mate and at this time I am not looking for whoever if any person that may be. I am enjoying my life just fine right now but if that person did come along, I sure would know it when I saw it. That I can say I will know for sure, but that may or may not happen. I am getting what I need for my particular growth right now just right. When the wheel turns, I will see what space I land on then. For now I am playing the hand I am being dealt. I got to say, if this is as bad as my changes get, I think I am going to like the rest of my life pretty good.

Colleen wants half the value of the house. She may or may not have put that much money into it but since she was married to me, she is entitled to half even though the property is just about all I can put my finger on and say I produced in my life. It came from the purchase of the 6 unit in the inner city in 1984, 12 years and 7 mortgages later purchasing this house with everything I had from the proceeds of the 6 unit efforts. Colleen did put extra money above the regular mortgage payment to go to principle in the early years here because she had the goal of paying off this mortgage by the time she retired from her state job. But I got my VA benefits before she retired and I paid off the mortgage before she did. Anyway, a lot of money has gone into this house in the last 20 years and after talking it over last night, Colleen says she wants half of the appraised value. We also agreed upon me giving her a certain part of that amount down as a cash payment and then make a reasonable monthly payment to her on the remainder of the total of the half value. She is allowing me to have the home and its contents the way they are in exchange for giving her half the appraised value of just the home's price. I don't think I could ask for a better deal than that. I get a turn key home the way I dreamed it up and made it all to myself for paying half it's appraised market value. I'll tell you, the property is in great condition right now, it ought to appraise right up there. I called a man last night that is going to come over in the morning to give me his opinion, I will get 3 opinions all together. Just a little over a year ago when we looking into whether it would be a wise investment to put the money into installing a half bath off the master bedroom upstairs. Back then they said the property was worth about 150k without the new bathroom and 160k with it. The bathroom was 7k, so we did it and I am glad we did, I don't know how we went without one up there for so many years. Yes I so know how, I pissed in a bucket and had to bring it down stairs everyday. I don't like to admit that, but the way I was drinking, I was not going to go up and down the stairs all night long.

So I don't know how the market is today, we will be going by that for this transaction. I still don't think I can ask for anything more than the deal I am getting. Colleen is doing well too. Sure she has to start all over but she will have the money to get everything she wants just the way she wants. She can put together her dream house just the way she wants. She has the time and money to do it. It is a win/win for both of us. The only thing she is going to do different is she is going to pick up a new mortgage payment she did not have before. But she will be living in her dream house. I think it is a good trade off, people have big mortgage payments living in places they don't even like.

I am happy to see my weight is back down to 293 tonight. My ankles and feet were swollen the past week or so, I think from sitting up so much and not laying down enough -in my case at all. So anyway, in the last 2 weeks I am down about 5 pounds even with the water swelling going on. I'll take that as a success. I am in not great hurry to lose the extra pounds, I just wanted to stop the additional ones that were going on with the ice cream eating habit I got into. I went to have some of that ice cream tonight and it is gone, Colleen finished it up, all 6 containers of it since the last time I looked. Now we don't need to buy anymore into the house.

I suppose I said enough here tonight. This is the most I have said at once on here so far I think. But that is one of the reasons I have this site is for me to get my thoughts down and out for me to see and make a record of. I am really grateful for today's technology. I can remember in grade school learning to write papers and they said it was don't in 3 takes, each one a correction and improvement of the previous one. Now we can just back space or any number of things to edit. It is amazing. The human mind is a great thing.

Good news on Phil the handy man. He really did a lot of work yesterday from noon til just before 5pm. I can't believe the way that man can work at his age and he is still recouping from colon cancer. That whole affair he gained 62 pounds on between doing the chemo and laying around sick. That is why he decided to stop the chemo, he could hardly stand from it. He told me today he got checked out recently and he is clear of cancer now. I think that is great, he stopped on his own at probably just the right time. He just did not want to live sick. He rather live a little more not sick than longer sick. I agree, I would have it the no sick way. Phil says he is going to come back Wednesday to do the other half of the yard and I asked him to organize the garage for me. I told him he can't make it worse than it is, anything is an improvement. Now that I got Phil to agree to this challenge, I think I am going to see some pretty nice results. Phil is got a good imagination and he is intelligent. It will be play for him. I told him just put everything so you can see what you have. Easy peasy.

Well, it is rolling around just after 2:am now, for some reason I am avoiding going back to the video project. What I would like to do is get a few hours rest per night. I am feeling tired tonight. I want to think more about the home deal....

I am going to say the property will appraise for 200k. Colleen wants 100k of that as her return of her contribution to it over the years. Again, we both did a lot to support all the properties we owned since 1984, and this property is all we have to show for it. It is a good show for a 34 year period. A lot of people can't show as much after as long and are still paying out every month. I will be paying out an amount to Colleen, I thinking I will be paying on a 70k note to her on what I am thinking will be 100k my part of giving to her for the home and contents. I just had an intuitive flash... If I get a mortgage at today's rate, I won't have to put so much money down to Colleen and she will get all her money at once. I will be loosing all that interest every month on the mortgage, I know that I could set up a loan with Colleen with little or no interest, that might be the best way to go. I need Colleen to agree to the 30k, yea, along with the interest there is all the closing cost and other crap that goes with a mortgage. I want to keep it free and clear and cheaper for me each month. So I will have less savings, its not gone, just less.

I just did some calculating and come up with some interesting numbers. Colleen has agreed to take a note for a certain portion of her half of the appraised property value. I am trying to get her to agree to take 30k down no matter what that amount might be as my cash contribution to her, the rest I am going to make payments to her and I am thinking she would probably like that over the next 15 years. Then again, she might want it over the next 30 thinking it will be an ongoing income for her, but it won't be worth as much in its later days. So I am thinking she will take the payments over the next 15 years or 180 payments. Colleen is holding a loan for our daughter Jaimie right now with no interest for the properties she has purchased down in FL. I would think I could get the same deal, but that would not be fair since Jaimie is planning on paying Colleen back a lot sooner than 15 years, more like 8. I could give Colleen the same amount the banks are giving her now, which is not much. But I think I should include some interest amount. I did some calculating without interest and I like the numbers a lot. Each payment of 180 payments on 70k is $388.8888... per month. I like the way those 8's continue on. But that is a good number that I can easily afford living here alone. I could add some interest to that and still be in that range. I will be living here with all expenses well under 1k/mo, well, around there anyway, I will figure it out later. I just want a rough idea. It will be around 1/4th of my income and my truck is paid for. That just leaves vehicle insurance, gas and groceries. The rest is personal expenses. I don't drink or smoke anymore. I am going to try to keep my charities around 10% of my income, I have been going over that lately. I have been giving to whoever contacts me, well, not them all. I turned down the police chiefs. I like to do more direct things with the money I spend on charities. I like to see physical results quickly or at least know it is going to do something in the immediate future. I did not get that impression with the police chiefs.

Anyway, I am glad I did this tonight. I am reassuring myself I will be financially secure during this transition in my life. I don't want to have to do a "riches to rags and back to riches" routine like some people's story goes. Change don't have to be hard, but it has to be. I am going to publish this and start a new post with a quote I think I made up because I have not heard it anywhere else.

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