4:40am I can't believe how easy and inexpensive this was to get started. I want to publish some writings from myself and others I have collected since the summer of 1979 when I had my first spiritual awakening. I have had many since then and my latest has just started recently in the past few weeks. I am also bipolar, so I have to be careful about getting into a mania state. That has happen too many times and has been very unproductive. I am doing this sober for the first time. No alcohol and no pot or other mind altering drugs other than what is prescribed by my psychiatrist Dr. Naz of The Stratton VA in Albany, NY. I see her every few months for a check in and med adjustment. I recently went from 5mg of paxil/day to 10mg/day and I think that is what helped me along with feeling better. That is a very low dose to deal with the depressive side of the bipolar disorder. To prevent the mania part of the disorder I take 3mg of risperidone/night and 50mg of hydroxyzine to help me relax. Other than that, I got sober February 10th of this year and I have never felt better in my life.
I have been cleaning house these past few weeks. Getting rid of old things I don't use or need anymore and cleaning up the place. Much organizing. I have been living here for 20 years as of this past September 26th. I moved here with my wife and 3 children who were in elementary and middle schools. I have 2 daughters and one son. Stacy 31, Jaimie 29, and Michael is going to be 28 this coming January 29th. They all have moved out on there own, more about them later. When I moved, the place I moved from I lived at for 12 years and it was a 5 apartment and 1 store front building in the inner city of Troy. I got into it before I had any children, and at the time I just wanted something that would pay my rent. I was naive about living in the inner city, I had no experience of it and thought if I made things nice people would appreciate it. Very few did and the ones that did where like dependents of sorts. They thought of me as their father or something. Long story short, I was into the building and just starting to learn about my bipolar disorder. When I was depressed, I couldn't handle the physical or mental work involved. I would get very overwhelmed by it all. I got that building in the Spring of '84 and worked on it full time for a few months doing the hallways, cellars, storefront conversion and my apartment remodel over it. That is when I began to drink every night to relax and celebrate my accomplishments. I was able figure out most of the work on my own, electrical was all new to me at the time, but the rest was not difficult. While I was doing the store front remodel, I did not get a building permit and an inspector came by and caught me. They made me take some of my work down and adjust other parts. The whole thing was getting me on the depressed side. After all that I remodeled the kitchen and bathroom of the apartment my wife Colleen and I were going to take. We had to ask someone to leave. We had to almost double everyone's rent too to make our expenses of the building and us living rent free. They were paying about $80.00 a month back then. Right away we had trouble with a tenant not paying rent and having to go to court. That was all unknown and we couldn't afford an attorney to file the paper work. I was very dysfunctional through this. The drinking continued every night and it went on until I went to first alcohol rehab. It was when Colleen was pregnant for Stacy, I was becoming overwhelmed with the idea of becoming a father and not having a career established or a good job I liked that paid well. I did not want to live in poverty working at a job I don't like that doesn't pay enough to get the things I want. I came from that family growing up, more on that later. Somehow I went to Samaritan Hospital in Troy for detox. There the man in the bed next to me died one night and I went into a spiritual awakening.